LOVE Language #1: Words of Affirmation
Little bits that stood out to me:
Children who have grown in hearing different types of messages (positive vs. negative) will develop the same type of speech that conveys those messages. Basically, children who grow up in a home where communication was of a negative nature will have a very difficult time themselves speaking words of affirmation. Children who grow up in homes where communication was positive will have little trouble speaking words of affirmation.
People who have this as their primary LOVE language will be people who encourage others and those who affirm other people through their words. They will seek a lack of verbal affirmation as a lack of LOVE.
“Typically, our words are an overflow of what is going on in our hearts.”
“I refuse to allow the other’s behavior to destroy my life.” This is key to releasing a person from the wrong that they have done to you. You cannot forgive because that is a response to a confession, but you can accept and release a person of the wrong they have done to know. Knowing that you are not the judge, God is.
After confessing and seeking forgiveness when you have wronged someone also ask if there is anything that you can do to make up for the pain.
Different types of Affirmation
Encouragement “to inspire courage”
I know that there are times when all I need is someone to say, “Katie you can do this! I believe in you! Look how far you have already come!”
Praise “recognizing accomplishments”
I LOVE bring praised! It makes me feel good and makes me feel needed! Being told by someone you admire and respect that you did well at something that makes me feel like what I have achieved is even better.
Kindness “manner of speech”
The tone of your voice determines how something is perceived. For instance, saying “I LOVE you” can evoke positive or negative meaning depending on the way in which is it said. When I was growing up one of my grandmas rarely said, “I love you”. When she did always tried to catch how she said it to see if I could tell if she really meant it. I always thought there was an edge to her voice that lacked sincerity.
How to Give Affirming Words?
# 1: Start where you are! Summarize you life and relationships {I am currently abroad and single. All of my most meaningful relationships are currently long distance. I have a great relationship with my mom where affirming words are spoken. I have a relationship with my dad that is very high stressed. He has done many things in my past that have caused a great deal of hurt. He does use affirming words; however I do not use them towards him. My brother and I have a very stressed relationship. We do not say affirming words to one another. I am not working, but I am taking classes. I do not say many affirming words to my classmates. I feel like I affirm those who I love and who have not caused me a great deal of hurt. I have a hard time affirming with words people who I do not know and people who have hurt me.}
# 2: Be Active, not Passive“The choice to love is active. It is doing something for someone else’s benefit. The example the Gary used is that you should create a list of all those people who are in your life that you mentioned during the summarizing of your life and relationships. Then write things that you can say to them that will affirm them…My mom… She is a great mom who has given a lot of herself. She is always supportive. She has done so much work to make her house a home and I am proud of her for that.My dad…He has given me a lot of things that have made my life easier (my car, paying for my health and care insurance and money for school), I have enjoyed a lot of times we have spent together (fishing at the lake and Boscobel, and it means a lot to me that he always tells me that he is proud of me and my accomplishments (he calls me his shining star).Matt…I am proud that he is in the military and he I serving this country, he has always been a loyal friend, he and I have been spending more time together and I have been enjoying him company, and I really appreciated when he called me up to have dinner with him.
#3: Choose a StrategyFigure. Figure out a way according to your current life situation that you can express love by words of affirmation to the people listed. For my mom during our phone conversations words of affirmation come naturally, but at the end of each one when I tell her, “I love you” I will also include an example of something she has done for me. So, as I think of these things or as she does them and I can add them to the list above. For my dad I will send him a special update email each week and I will mention that I miss and I am thankful for him because of ______. For my brother, who I do not talk to often I will start off by just saying I love you and gradually add more (this is because we do not even say I LOVE you to one another. For Matt I am going to start broad. Saying, “thanks for being a great brother” and then slowly add in specifics on why I think he is a great brother.
